So let’s start by acknowledging that it has been a very long time since Gary and I were dating as defined for this series.  (Married 20 years this last March)  That said, we also have a 16 yr old daughter and that has caused us to spend time looking back at the mistakes we feel we made in our dating relationships.  Obviously we would love to save Emma from the heartache caused by those poor choices, but we can only share our wisdom and experience. We regularly encourage her to guard her heart and then pray that she makes wise choices.  Our prayer is the same for each of you!  Marriage is not easy!  It is completely worth it, but it takes commitment and a willingness to put the other person ahead of you.

We would encourage you to start now – learn how to set yourself apart for your future spouse.  Save yourself for that person – not just physically, but emotionally and experientially as well.

There is a very fine line between being emotionally available and being in emotional overdrive.  Technology today makes it even more difficult to not blur this line.

Let’s talk about some pitfalls and then define why it is important to avoid them…

There is a piece of us that wants to believe that this person is ‘the one’.  Gary and I didn’t meet until after college.  I remember feeling that tension of not being sure how I would meet my man.  I was quick to pinpoint 1 or 2 things that I really liked in someone and then would ‘overshare’ thinking that would draw us closer.  It never worked and I ended up feeling discarded and devalued because he didn’t want to stick around.Another pitfall is the ‘safety’ of texting, facebook, im-ing, etc…  In our days of dating it was the phone.

There is something almost seductive in spending hours talking and sharing all your dreams, desires, fears and everything else.  It is so easy when we don’t have to look in the other person’s eyes.  When we can’t see the other person, we are able to take more risks because we are a little less afraid of their response.  We say things by text that we would never say to their face at that stage in the relationship.  Think twice next time – imagine they are sitting across from you looking into your eyes.

Many of us come into our dating relationships with some serious baggage.  Maybe your parents are divorced like Gary’s or you lost a parent in some other way.  Sometimes we have both parents, but we didn’t feel loved at home.  You felt like there was no room to fail, or that all you did was fail.  And then there is the baggage of your other relationships.  Imagine if you have emotionally given yourself away time and time again.  All of these things can create walls that we carry with us and though we are physically and mentally present with someone, we are incapable of relating emotionally.

Does it really matter how much of ourselves we have shared with another person?  Yes, it does… because you want to be able to enter in to your forever relationship with a whole heart that is open and ready to receive another and give to them.

Let’s ask this question… Are you seeking ‘the one’ or are you seeking Jesus, who is The One, and His wisdom in this process of dating.  Proverbs 4 lays out the benefits of seeking wisdom over prematurely giving away our hearts.  Vs 23 says ‘Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.’

Every person we share an exclusive relationship with leaves an imprint of himself or herself on our hearts.  We carry each of those experiences into every new dating relationship.

If you are a visual learner try this experiment – take a latex balloon and fill it with water.  Now using a very sharp pin or needle, poke a hole in the balloon.  If the experiment is working correctly you should now have a small hole in the balloon with a stream of water coming out.  (if the pin just popped the balloon, try again placing tape on the balloon)  Now, put one hole in the balloon for each relationship you have invested in emotionally.  What do you notice?

We know that you each desire to meet someone who is emotionally stable and able to enter in to relationship with you.  What are you doing to make sure that YOU are emotionally ready for a deeper, exclusive relationship?  If you give yourself away emotionally in every dating friendship, you may have only a broken, dried out heart to offer.

This brings us back to the idea of ‘guarding your heart’.  Ask God for His wisdom in knowing when and how much to share.  Be willing to ask a friend to help keep you accountable to taking it slow!  Seek out a mentor – a man or woman who is further along this path and give them permission to speak truth in your life.

Jen is on staff and Gary is a elder at Grace Chapel. They have been married for 20 years (this march!) and have three girls. I’m sure if you have any questions they would love to answer them for you.